Dearest brother Joseph,

I know you wrote "SLUT" in my notebook (and then underlined it for emphasis, because all caps just isn't quite over-the-top enough) when you were over at my house talking about your new business.

I'll fuckin' cut you, bitch.

I may be your VICE PRESIDENT OF MARKETING, and being humble and demure, I will not lord my TITLE OF AWESOMENESS over you or anyone else (bow before me mortals!), but I will also not be disparaged in front of my underlings. Well, when I procure some underlings to boss around -- to make fetch coffee and rub my feet. Your inability to show me the respect to which I am due sets the tone in the office from the beginning. And while we don't technically have an office, your "slut" insult is still out there in the universe, waiting to land upon the collective unconscious of our soon-to-be underlings.

Seeing as this is an unpaid position, not even with benefit of riffling through an office supply cabinet to steal Post-It notes and paperclips, for, you know, personal Post-It Note and paper-clippy purposes, I will take no guff from you, mister! I could form my own company and make myself the imaginary CEO and give myself grief, thank you very much, without your sassy "slut" messages clouding the corporate waters.

I bet you thought that I wouldn't notice, didn't you? That somehow I would think that by my own hand "slut" had appeared in my notebook? "Gosh, when did I write 'SLUT' in my notebook and just what am I trying to say to myself?" Uh, sorry, no. You have been found out!

So, unless you want a corporate war you simply cannot win, as I throw about my marketingness and massive corporate clout, I suggest you re-assess your inherent desire to be a "big brother" and tease your little sister. Don't think I forgot you pushing me on the tire swing in Marseilles, Illinois, over the ravine and me falling off, most likely due to your evil intentions, and scraping up my elbow, and then me pouting on the hammock until mom enticed me to come eat dinner by advertising some delicious sweet corn on the cob. Forgotten? No. Forgiven? Yes, until I need to go back into my memory of "Joe" moments to extract fodder for my burning vengeance. And while you may have steeled yourself as a child by playing survivalist with our dearly departed big sis Gail, splitting a bug with her to eat to sustain yourselves in the wild and dangerous jungles of the SUBURBS, I will remind you that my heart is as dark as anything Joseph Conrad ever conceived, lest you should forget that a mere 25 years ago or so, I announced, at the top of my lungs, to the whole neighborhood, including aunt, uncle and cousin, you were a dirty pot smoker.

So, you have to ask yourself, are you ready for The Jen? I mean, be honest with yourself. Search your heart and more importantly, your gut, and see if you have the fortitude to withstand the slings and arrows of a sister scorned. Slut? You want some? Come get some. I will pimp slap you back into the 70's, baby. And I know your ass still has come kicky bell-bottoms to help you fit right back in that decade, big bro.

Hugs and kisses, your loving sister (and all-powerful VP of Marketing, biatch!),

Jennifer

P.S. (Where's my corporate car? I'd like a white Subaru WRX STi, kkthx!)

Lizard licks his eyeball...

I don't know what Geico is paying their advertising company for their commercials, but whatever it is, they need to quadruple it.

When I first saw the Burt Bacharach commercial, I was stupified. When I saw it a second time, I was rolling on the floor. Burt looks a little worse for wear these days, but his creepy rendition of a Geico customer's story is...creepy, yet hee haw funny.

I, too, hope I never get hit in the rear again.

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Other items of note:

Starbucks: I don't usually get anything other than a grande coffee with cream when I go to the Fourbucks, but those bastards have found a new way to extract money from me by simply asking: "Would you like a shot of espresso in that?" They might as well ask me if I'd like some oral sex with my coffee. Like, duh. More caffeine? MORE?! Why yes, I want MORE. Bastards.

IKEA: I just got my 2007 IKEA catalog. I love the home of cheap, but kinda cool, furniture. But I dread buying the stuff. And anyone who has bought IKEA furniture knows why. I would be FAR easier to negotiate peace in the middle east or understand the complexities of a multi-billion dollar corporate take-over contract than put together a piece of their furniture. Step 1: Put these 40 wooden pegs into this large, heavy slab of wood. Step 2: Shove some perpendicual pieces of wood in there and line up those 40 pegs with 40 holes in some other really heavy slab of wood and push together. Then use this little allen wrench to tighten it all up. Fuck that shit.

A kick to the gut: So, I was watching rally car racing on ESPN2 this weekend, and Travis Pastrana of motocross fame is getting into rally racing for the upcoming X Games. So, ESPN2 does a little feature of him getting a brand new Subaru WRX STi rally car, all stickered up and lookin' fine. And he proceeds to roll the damn thing. Something inside me died a little in that moment of time. Dear Subaru: send ME a rally-ready WRX STi and I won't roll it. I promise!

OMFG VeeeeePeeeee

I am now officially an "officer" in my brother's S corporation - I'm the Vice President of Marketing.

Bow before me, I'M THE VICE PRESIDENT, BIATCHES!

I was highly disappointed when I learned that it's only me and him in this company so far, because the politicking and power struggles would be starting ASAP if there were anyone to, you know, overthrow or usurp. At least spit in their coffee in the morning or "accidently" delete their big PowerPoint presentation from the corporate server - but to no avail, I shall simply have to entertain my damn self with corporate skullduggery. Unfortunately, my brother holds all the power and I'm merely a figurehead, but I'm finally realizing my dream of being a VP without having to do any work.

While the title is all cool and impressive, I am what I always was and probably will always be -- the web monkey.

It's cool...I'm the VICE PRESIDENT of Web Monkeys. And while my spoon may be too big, I shall also be a banana! I AM A BANANA!

Now, to start pilfering office supplies and taking long lunches and golf outtings...with the occassional holiday party to make speeches at about how everyone has done a "bang up job" this year and to keep up the standard of excellence, all the while getting blasted on Manhattans or burbon or whatever the hell it is corporate big-wigs drink, seeming slightly and creepily clingy.

FFB 2006: I'm confuzzled.

Turning and turning in the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world

Not only is that little snippet the beginning of one of my all-time favorite poems (The Second Coming by Yeats), but it also describes how I feel about fantasy football this year.

Yes, I just tied football to literature. Feel all edumicated and smrt now, whore puppies?

But seriously, I'm fucking confuzzled this year about how to go about drafting my team, as more things have changed this year than previous years and I'm finding it to be a fun, if frustrating, challenge to evaluate some players.

Quarterbacks:

The QB Shuffle - Dante Culpepper, Drew Brees and Aaron Brooks are the notables in the QB shuffle. They're all on new teams and CPepp and Brees are coming off injuries - knee and shoulder respectively. Brooks is coming off another mediocre year of mental errors and unfulfilled potential. Will any of these guys be any good? My money is on CPepp, as his knee seems to be holding up and the Dolphins are on the cusp of being just that good.

The QB Injury List - CPepp, Brees, Carson Palmer, Chad Pennington and Ben Mashmyfaceonawindshieldburger are all coming off of injuries. Big Ben just doesn't light it up fantasy-wise, so he's barely on my radar. I was high on Pennington two years ago. No more, never again. I think I'm going to say that Palmer than Culpepper are the two best bets off this list. Both coming off of bad knee injuries that should give any fantasy owner pause, but you can't ignore their talent and weapons.

Running Backs:

Oh why, God, do you torture me so when it comes to arguably the most important position on a fantasy team? The RB picture is more cloudy than last year, certainly, with a lot of the tier 2 guys being bigger question marks than last year - Kevin Jones and Julius Jones were much hyped last year and now they both make me nervous even as #2 backs. A couple notables:

Edgerrin James - I KNOW how good this guy is. I had him last year and he fucking rocked. But now that he's in Arizona behind a questionable line on a team that last year was dead last in rushing yards per game - 71.1 with 2 TDs - and I don't know where that ranks him with the rest of the RB choices. I mean, on one hand, he's fucking EDGE, but on the other hand, he was on an offense that featured Payton Manning and a nutty throwing game, making it easier for him to run. But then, I look at Arizona's passing game, with their two studs, Bolden and Fitzgerald, and I can't help but think that Edge could find a lot of the same opportunities to run all over a team here too.

Larry Johnson vs. Shawn Alexander - LJ could just completely explode all over the place this year, his potential on KC is just that sick. But he could also get hurt. Alexander the Great is teh win each week AND durable. And to think my boy LaDainian Tomlinson is ranked third to these guys makes baby jesus cry. But I'll be dancing all the way to the bank if I get third pick and LT is there...dancing in my powder blue LT jersey, baby!

Wide Receivers:

Last year, the top two WRs were pretty simple: Moss and T.O. This year? Steve Smith and Chad Johnson push these two back a couple slots.

Randy Moss - Best downfield receiver in the game. Was he a victim last year of Kerry Collins' suck (and his own injuries)? Now that DA RAIDAS have Drew Brees, we will see how productive Moss will be. I don't think Brees is known for great arm strength, so Moss may have to create more for himself this year rather than wait for CPepp to wing the ball downfield and play jump ball with far overmatched DBs.

T.O. - If you are a football fan, you know who T.O. is. And you also most likely have strong feelings about the man who made a fool of the Cowboys years back, made a fool of the Eagles just last year and now is back in Dallas, but wearing the star ON his helmet, rather than gloating ON it in mid-field. The good: he's fucking T.O. He outmatches everyone he plays against and makes it look ridiculously easy. The bad: he's a demander. He wants the ball and will bitch about the failures of other people in getting him involved in the offense and getting him his 100+ yard, 2 TD games. The ugly: Drew Bledslow is winging the ball up in Big D. I could go on and on about how much Bledsoe is the suck, but I think I'll let T.O. tell you all about it, saaaaaay, around game 11 or 12 this season.

Chad Johnson - I love you, man. LOVE YOU. But Carson Palmer coming off ACL surgery makes me nervous. But I believe CJ could catch balls punted to him out of the endzone and turn them into TDs (and TD celebrations!) with his eyes closed and a 20-pound weight tied around one ankle. Some folks think he's a showboater - and those folks would be ignorant, not knowing how hard he works and how he sometimes sleeps at the team facility because he's constantly studying and working at the game. He entertains with his antics, not insults, unlike T.O. CJ is a stud, plain and simple. Regardless of Palmer's knee, I think I take him #2 behind Steve Smith.

Tight Ends:

Oh, how I love those tight ends. Wait, we're still talking about football? Okay, back on track.

Antonio Gates - this is absolutely nothing not to love about this stud puppy. Except now a green QB will be tossing balls his way. If Brees was still in SD, he's #1, no question. But I think SD is going to take a step back this year due to noob QB play, and Philip Rivers is more likely to dump off the ball to LT than look downfield for Gates.

Tony Gonzalez - he had a down year last year. Very disappointing for folks that drafted this guy in the 3rd round or early in the 4th after THAT BASTARD snapped up Antonio Gates. He didn't play like a high draft round pick, and certainly not up to the standard that makes Gonzo, well, Gonzo. He should rebound this year and might be a better choice over Gates. (And while I say that now, I have a bad feeling that will come back to bite me on the ass).

Tier 2 TEs - there seems to be a lot more guys out there this year, so if you can't nab Gates or Gonzo, there are still good choices left who could be solid, if not spectacular, this year. Chris Cooley? Don't laugh...he could still be on the board in the 6th or 7th round if people don't get all crazy and start a TE run earlier.

Side note:

Don't ya just hate when people start to panic and begin runs on positions that shouldn't go early? I love watching the QB/DEF/TE frenzy start, because I know folks are overvaluing the position when good RBs or WRs are still waiting out there and servicible players remain after the feeding frenzy. The key is knowing how large/small the difference is between the tier 1, 2 and 3 players and not giving in to the "ZOMG THEY'RE TAKING ALL THE QBs, MUST DRAFT KERRY COLLINS IN THE FOURTH ROUND!" knee-jerk reaction that baits so many other FFB players.

That's all I have for now...I will have to begin this year's research in earnest, to make sure I know what the hell is going on this season. It should make for an interesting draft and an interesting year for football altogether. I cannot wait!

Scrap the fuckin' podcast and burn the house down!

Just this morning, in my "It's been a banner week...boo hoo" lament of a blogger post, I mentioned my podcast as the one ray of hope in my otherwise dank, damp life. Notice, not dark and wet, like some good sex, but dank and damp. Feh.

But now, after a great deal of discussion and emails being fired back and forth and phone calls, we're scrapping Episode 1 all together.

Creative differences have broken up the almost-podcast known as Two Chicks and a Cooler.

Not really. We've decide to scrap Episode 1's audio material. Not that it wasn't good or funny, but the sound quality is shit, and after learning just a wee bit about how to record decent audio and realizing it will take some equipment to do so, I suggested to my podcast partner (my PP?) that we just dump our audio and start fresh once we get a mixer and some mics and headphones and can control some shit like our levels and record to two seperate tracks.

Seems that Mama Goot and I sound a lot alike. At least, we kinda run together in the podcast, so it's hard to tell who's speaking. Now, I HATE my voice, and as such, I don't listen to myself much. But I've sampled some of the "lost" episode 1 and I gotta say, we DO fucking sound a lot alike, it's scary! By recording ourselves to two different tracks, we can not only push one of us a little to the "left" and the other a little to the "right" in playback (kinda like I'm more dominant in one speaker vs. the other I'm guessing), but the editing will be much cleaner. MG and I talk over each other A LOT. That's what we do to each other. While a lot of that might be kept in for timing's sake, I can see being able to stagger things out a little bit more, just nudge a track back a few seconds to make sure we're not totally obliterating each other's words. That'll be a lot of experimentation.

It was my suggestion that our first BRILLIANT episode go up in flames. Well, the first episode will be recorded and released (hopefully soon), but it won't be our official first recording session. I just really want it to sound somewhat good from a quality standpoint. I want to do it RIGHT the from the outset. While we had good topics and material from the first recording session, it's really just the two of us sitting around and bullshitting...our podcast mentor says a lot can be done to improve the quality of the material by being more editorially judicious with cuts and edits and pickups and transitions.

This is a LOT more than I think either MamaGoot or I expected out of doing a "fun little podcast," and while the learning curve - audio recording, editing and production-wise - may be a little steep at the moment, I think it's something that interests us both enough to keep plugging away until we can release something we're really proud of. The more we "get" about the whole process, the more post-"live"-recording bits we can do and play around with to get more "personalities" on the show.

We'll see how this goes...it's exciting and fun at the same time it's a little daunting, being complete audio noobs.

Welcome to my week.

Well folks, it's been a banner fucking week. I think it's getting better, but it's been a Prozac week. If only I had drugs, I'd be on them. I'm just...FED THE FUCK UP.

1. Shakeups in my World of Warcraft guild. Yeah, yeah, yeah, call me a fucking nerd, but it gets dramatic and political and disappointing and frustrating. Why people can't fucking work shit out, I don't know. Why people just can't have fun, I don't know. But I'm keeping a low profile and considering my priorities. I'm getting to the "take it or leave it" point and it's really depressing me to no end. The happy, fun me is pretty much gone of late.

2. The Blue Meanie gives up the ghost. Well, this is actually a slight blessing in disguise because of the timing and location. I decide to drive home over lunch to work from home the rest of the afternoon, to get a little quiet time away from the corporate cubicles. But I stop off at my local ghetto Randall's for some sushi and dinner fixin's. The Blue Meanie wouldn't start when I got out of the store. Dead battery. Well, it's been 3 years, and I'm the "let the battery completely die" girl who doesn't realize that batteries don't last forever. But here's the GOOD part of an otherwise shitty situation. There's a National Tire and Battery garage a block away. HOLLAH! They walked a battery out to my car and installed it in the parking lot for me. But when you're already having a bad week, and your car doesn't turn over, you're like "please god, kick me in gut one more time, because you haven't bent me over a couple times already this week."

3. I went to bed last night, only to find Kosmo locked in the upstairs bathroom. I can only assume he was up there all fucking day. I am a bad kitty mom. I forget that Kosmo has a "thing" for getting locked in this bathroom, but usually it's before I go to bed and do all the face-washing and teeth-brushing and he just sneaks in and I leave him there until Oscar alerts me to the dire situation of his "best friend" being locked in a mere 10 feet away from where I'm reclining and reading a magazine before I fall asleep. Thankfully Kosmo refrained from peeing or pooping in the bathroom all day, which to me, shows a great deal of restraint. And when I let him out, he only wanted back in, so of course he just puzzles me. And he was super affectionate when I let him out, as if he knew he lost out on some couch-potato cuddle time and was trying to make up for it. Note to self: lock up cats all day to produce a more loving creature.

4. Oh, and in the middle of this, I get my period. You know, 20 years of this shit just gets OLD. So, while I'm hatin' on people and feeling depressed and trying to solve unsolvable problems and feeling left out and feeling unneeded and utterly just feel that I've failed in some way, I get cramps on top of it all.

Here's what I'm hoping picks me off the ground and shakes off the dust of frustration and unfun:

1. My podcast. My friend and I are producing a podcast - the first episode will have shit sound quality because we don't have a mixer/pre-amp/compressor/whositwhatsit and we recorded in my canaverous dining room/living room/kitchen which produces a quaint, but not altogether desireable echo. But this shit could get a little serious now that we're in discussions (LOL) to band a couple podcasts together under a fake network feed. It's really just a bunch of people sitting around, drinking and talking. A very complicated premise, but we had FUN recording our first podcast and we might actually be somewhat funny.

With the podcast, I'm somewhat protecting my identity, but since I'll probably cross-promote it here, people will know that "Illini Jen" is me. I'm not so concerned about it because while it will have it's fair share of f-bombs and me being completely trashed, there will be nothing in there that pushed uncomfortable envelopes. It's just me and "MamaGoot" sitting around and bullshitting about stuff. Maybe some written bits, but we're pretty low-maintenance and lazy when it comes to actually scripting stuff out for "characters."

2. The NFL season. Training camp is opening NEXT WEEK for a lot of teams, and yes, as you may expect if you know me at all, glass can be etched with my nipples at the prospect of anything NFL. The coming football season means my friends and I get together for a whole season of fantasy football and chicken wings to watch all the games on Sundays. I, of course, have somewhat forsaken my real life friends for WoW and online "friends," and I kinda feel shitty about that.

Fuck, that's about it. Kinda sad, huh? A podcast and NFL stuff to keep me going. /wrists! Fuck.

For a lonely soul, you're having such a nice time...

So, my new "ZOMG I LOVE THEM SOOOO MUCH" band is Keane. And there's one song in particular on Under the Iron Sea (ZOMG BUY IT NOW NOW NOW) that just kills me every time I listen to it. Is it emo? Who cares, because it's good.

And it's true. We ALL feel this way sometimes. A little stripped down and vulnerable, giving of ourselves with sometimes little recognition or a return of vulnerability.

But the lyrics don't become TRULY poignant until you turn it around on yourself and become the asshole of the song - the one that doesn't give of oneself.

Hamburg Song - Keane

I don't wanna be adored
Don't wanna be first in line
Or make myself heard
I'd like to bring a little light
To shine a light on your life
To make you feel loved

No, don't wanna be the only one you know
I wanna be the place you call home

I lay myself down
To make it so, but you don't want to know
I give much more
Than I'd ever ask for

Will you see me in the end
Or is it just a waste of time
Trying to be your friend
Just shine, shine, shine
Shine a little light
Shine a light on my life
Warm me up again

Fool, I wonder if you know yourself at all
You know that it could be so simple

I lay myself down
To make it so, but you don't want to know
You take much more
Than I'd ever ask for

Say a word or two to brighten my day
Do you think that you could see your way

To lay yourself down
And make it so, but you don't want to know
You take much more
Than I'd ever ask for

Bands that turn into TEH SUCK follow up OR smackin' mah bitches up!

Well, one can't post without the chorus chiming in. Let me address a couple people.

The Big Ninja (who may or may not exist, according to my whoremates...errr...guildmates in World of Warcraft) : I had completely forgot you got to eat dinner with Tori, or rather your friend and Tori. I tried not to be jealous when you first told me, and I will attempt to do the same thing now. Failing that, I will attempt to bait you into anger by saying "CATAPULT!" to hide my burning jealousy.

Ithaca / Sean / Shawon : Uh, do me a favor and look up Abacab on amazon.com and all songs that I mentioned specifically by Genesis are on that CD. None of them were a Phil Collins single. To quote your favorite saying: "ZING!"

as an aside to iKon : The Big Ninja, who may or may not exist, thinks y'all sound like you're discussing insurance over Vent. Yes, you bore an imaginary figure. How sad.

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In news related to music but unrelated to suckage, I think I've found my new "it" boy. I mentioned I was going to pick out a couple new CDs in a previous post and I bought Keane's Under the Iron Sea and I'm falling in love with the lead singer's voice. It's kinda a weird combination of sometimes Rufus Wainwright and sometimes Thom Yorke (Radiohead) and sometimes, just sometimes, Freddy Mercury. I could go on for days about Rufus's voice and how it warmly vibrates throughout your spine and torso, especially in his lower ranges, but that's for yet another music-themed post (in case you're daft, I obviously love music and it helps keep me from killing people and burying their heads in my yard).

But I'm lovin' Keane and the lead singer sometimes reminds me of a much cuter, large and imposing martial artist, who shall remain unnamed, but only sometimes, maybe because of the foppish hair or eyes or something I can't quite put my finger on. Keane may be the new band in the mold of Radiohead/Coldplay/U2, but I'm diggin' their CD and finding the lead's voice rather compellingly and umistakenly lickable. Uh, if you could lick one's voice. Just work with me here. Christ on a cracker, do I have to always color within the lines for you people?

When bands you love turn into Teh Suck.

I’m so excited, for after work this fine day, I will be heading to my local soundwaves to purchase new CDs by Keane, Thom Yorke (of Radiohead fame) and Sufjan Stevens, who I rave incessantly about in one post past.

Music is a funny thing. I am very loyal to artists I’ve listened to for years now, but even they are not above my reproach when I feel they are slacking for my tastes.

What’s worse is bands or artists that go to COMPLETE SHIT over the years. I will dedicate this blog posting to a couple artists that have taken a nose dive or are perilously close to the edge.

Genesis
Now, let me preface this by saying I got into Genesis in their “turning towards pop” days, with albums such as Abacab and the self-titled Genesis. But even with these more radio-friendly releases, they still had their feet firmly planted in their more experimental, art-rock roots.

Then came Invisible Touch, and I felt the descent into sucktitude beginning, as the first and most powerful clue was the use of “Tonight, Tonight” as a song on Miami Vice. Nothing spells doom for a group quite like Don Johnson’s salmon-colored tee shirts and sockless loafers.

Then the suck hit the fan with We Can’t Dance. When I heard this album, I pretty much packed it in for Genesis, vowing never to buy another “new” release of theirs. Thankfully, they never had to put my vow to the test, as they broke up soon after.

I will lay ALL of this suckage at the feet of Phil Collins, who now seems to be solely on the Disney Musical Payroll of Mediocrity and Tepid Aural Experiences. While they produced some good music with Phil at the mic, the tide changed from rock to pop to utter crap, and the Genesis of old was no more.

But when I was a kid, I wore the fuck out of Acacab and Genesis, listening to these tapes on my Walkman, reveling in the sheer dark weirdness of “Home By the Sea” and “Second Home by the Sea” or the semi-threatening “Mama.” I loved this stuff back in the day.

Now Phil Collins is pooping out turds like Tarzan. I feel somewhat violated that I ever liked that man’s music.

Suck factor: 11/10 – yes, they’ve managed to turn it up to 11.

Gwen Stefani
Girl, I used to LOVE you. You could do no wrong, as you wore your sassy marching band pants, pissy boots and wife beaters. Of course, this was back when you were COOL and singing songs like “Just a Girl.” Oh, and you were also still in No Doubt.

Not anymore. Your solo release is about as bad as it can get. You’re not Missy Eliot, nor should you try to be. You don’t NEED a different “famous” producer on every song. It makes for a schizophrenic mess of songs that just don’t hang together very well. You’re not a rapper, or a Japanese school girl or an R&B star. I think you need to buy Tragic Kingdom by a little band called No Doubt and listen to who you used to be, which was talented and kick ass and funky.

Suck factor: 8/10

Bjork
Now understand, I LOVES me some Bjork. When I first saw the video for “Human Behaviour,” I was so taken aback by the weirdness of it, that I wanted to immediately check this Bjork chick out. She’s now one of my desert island artists. I love her.

But Bjork, as stork-dress-wearin’-to-the-Oscar-Awards-weird as she is, is getting too weird even for me of late. One of her last CDs, Medulla, is all mouth music – that is to say, it contains nothing else other than vocal arrangements.

Now, I don’t own this CD. I’m a bit put off. You see, I like the electronica, semi-dance club Bjork, with the funky beats and weird voice. This departure into mouth music, following her soundtrack to Dancer in the Dark, in which she starred (utterly depressing movie, btw), is hard for me to follow. And now she’s released a soundtrack to an art film floating out there.

Oh, how I long for the days of “Army of Me” and “Hunter” all of her album, Vespertine.

I fear that her next “experiment” will be a CD filled of silent tracks, onto which she has recorded her brain waves. Bjork, don’t go into the light!

Suck factor: 3/10 – the 3 being mostly from the threat of falling off the map of reality into weirdo world, in which NONE of her future music is accessible.

Tori Amos
First I pick on Bjork, NOW Tori? Understand the import of this – I would go gay for Tori. I love her. LOVE. Okay, not the weird stalker love of wacko fans, but her talent is unsurpassed. Weird lyrics, great voice, great melodies, quirky here and there, and she tends (or used to) beat on her piano like it done stole something.

But lately? With Scarlet’s Walk and The Beekeeper, Tori has become – dare I say it – a tad bit tame. Pedestrian even. These albums just aren't terribly INTERESTING.

It hurts me to say this. If I could crawl under my desk and roll up into a sobbing ball of human flesh that is mourning the passing of music that could evoke strong feelings, I would. But her last two releases just don’t do it for me.

Scarlet’s Walk was her journey around the country, in the wake of 9/11, I guess trying to rediscover this country and herself.

Sounds pussy to me. She might as well be a man strumming a guitar singing sensitive frat-boy rock. BLEHHHHHHH!

I need my old Tori back. The one that could sing with a vengeance and wasn’t so…middle of the road. Dude, you’re TORI AMOS, not some top-40 pablum-spewing artist who creates nothing of aural interest. Please, do us all a favor, give Trent Reznor a call and do a couple duets together. Maybe then you’ll get your edge back.

Suck factor: 2/10 – hey, I’m not going to bang on Tori too much here because she’s created so much good stuff, but girl gots to get back to being…dangerous and daring.