As the Stone Turns

A couple people have left comments wondering about my status and if the kidney stone has passed yet. Aren't you guys just so cute?

Unfortunately, the stone is still in there. I'm not in any pain, thankfully. But I have yet to see the stone pass -- urine straining for the win! -- and I can just feel it every once in awhile. Unless it's just some ghost sensation, much like feeling a lost limb, or I'm being psychosomatic, it's still floating around my pee-tubes, just hanging out. You know, like the kids outside a 7-11 with their Slurpees and Nerds candies, just sorta loitering.

I'm revisiting with my urologist on Monday, so once we do another x-ray, we'll know where I -- or my stone -- stands. I honestly am not looking forward to the "next steps" if it's still in there as I suspect it is. The next steps may include sticking a claw up in me (notice the "up" part) and pulling the stone out. Or using sonic waves to crush it. Or, as my friend Cliff suggested, using a giant hammer to smash it. I went one step farther and suggested the hammer be Mjolnir, the mystical weapon of Thor, the Norse god of thunder. I'm sure my urologist will opt for that option.

So far, I have given up my daily copious consumption of caffeine/coffee/tea to avoid some of the foods that contain a substance that, along with calcium, helps form the most common types of kidney stones. I now drink herb tea, which I was surprised to learn, doesn't actually contain any tea, which makes me wonder why they even call it tea, but as a co-worker of mine pointed out, you really can't call it a "bag of dried flowers and herbs" and expect it to fly off the shelves. Touche!

So my caffeine habit has been broken, which I broke the weekend I got the kidney stone, because my ass could barely work up the will to eat, let alone guzzle a cup of coffee. That was one fun-ass weekend. Kidney stone pain + caffeine withdrawal headache.

Well, I do enjoy one small cup of Starbucks on Saturday mornings, along with a kolache, while I watch the previous night's episode of Battlestar Galatica, which I will masturbate over in another post because ZOMG if it's not the best fucking thing on TV right now.

Thanks for everyone's concern. I will give detailed and GRAPHIC updates on what happens next on the magical mystery tour that is Jen's Fucking Stupid and Painful Kidney Stone, Like Hello! I Didn't Really Need This Now In My Life and Goodbye Daily Starbucks Coffee. Seriously.