Just a note on the finale of Joe Millionaire - I'm a big huge mushy baby and I cried at the end because it was sweet that gorilla Joe picked the real girl and they got a nice influx of cash. I'm such a sucker for fairy tale endings. And I hate myself.

Now, onto something more important: I would have paid buckets full of money to watch Tiger, on the 18th green of the Buick Invitational, turn towards Phil Mickelson and give him the good ol' crotch chop and "SUCK IT!," D-Generation X style.

Tiger, even without his "A" game, won with ease, as his group-mates Brad Faxon and Phil Mickelson didn't even seem to show up. Phil, in typical Lefty style, simply fell apart and gave up, YET AGAIN. How do people root for this guy? Tiger was struggling, pushing and pulling his iron shots all tournament long, and he still dominated with his "inferior" equipment. Phil should start looking at his inferior attitude and course management before ever firing off a volley at Tiger.

Everyone was pretty excited about going into the last day of the tournament because the last group would have both Tiger and Phil in it, but in my view, the outcome was never in question. Nobody beats Tiger on Sunday. And when faced with pressure, Phil falls apart like a cheap Old Navy tee shirt.

Now, the real PGA season rivalry is between Tiger and Ernie Els, who is a nice guy with some good game and has won 3 events so far this year, making him the by-far money leader. I still think Tiger comes out on top, maybe not in money, but in tournaments that count, like majors, but I'll give Ernie a major win or two this year. And I don't mind seeing Ernie come out and win because he's got good game and he's a smart player. Sorry Phil, but you're the most overrated player of the last decade. People on golf discussion boards wonder if he'll be remembered as one of the greats, but you gotta have something intangible to get there, not just win a lot. Oh, and winning a major or 8 would help, as most, if not all, of the greats have won when it counts.

So, I'm truly beginning to think that Fox - home of "Joe Millionaire" - should have named their show "Joe - Big Huge Dumbass Turn-Off" or "Joe Jerk-Off." You would think they could have found a more likeable and charming guy, but this dude is strictly a Budweiser and Doritos neanderthal who just seems to like big hooters. And to top it all off, he's not even hot. He's the smarmy type guy that breathes beer in your face in a bar at 1 am.

I'm so disenchanted with the prospect of getting a "real" nine to five job that I've considered doing anything else but. My only legal idea was opening a comic book shop in an area of Houston without one. I'd run a nice, clean shop that parents wouldn't fear bringing their kids into to drop tons of cash on Yu Gi Oh cards.

My non-legal but highly profitable idea is to run an underground poker room. Check this...if an average of 20 hands are played an hour and the house rakes 10% of the pot up to $5 on a 4/8 Texas Hold 'Em structured game, I figure about a house rake of $3 per pot, which is $60 per hour. And that doesn't even take into consideration an average of a $1 tip per hand from the winner to the dealer. That's some fat cash.

But alas, gambling is illegal in Texas, although you can find legal poker rooms throughout the country, and a few illegal ones running in Houston that I've heard whispers of, the kind that is "somewhere around that area and you gotta know someone to get in." Casinos don't make lots of money off of poker. Sure, they rake, but it's the players playing against one another, which takes the game out of the realm of strictly gambling to a game of skill. One only need spy the lifeless people feeding money into the slot machines and pushing buttons to understand that the casino is making billions off these idiots. Seriously, slot machines are foolish. You don't even have to be conscious to play them!

And blackjack, don't even get me started on that game. I think the blackjack player has a 51% advantage over the house, but that percentage doesn't take into consideration that when you're making your money on the table and laughing it up and drinking your free alcohol, the casino immediately brings in their "ringer." The Ringer isn't a player. The Ringer is the blackjack dealer relieving the current dealer, you know, the one handing you all the good cards and politely busting out and making you rather happy. The Ringer is almost always, without fail, a short, middle-aged Asian woman who never smiles and rarely talks. She'll look away from the players, bored and thinking "just hit or stand, jerky" while pointing towards your cards, waiting for your decision. And it doesn't matter what you get. Two face cards up against her 6? She'll beat you buy drawing out to a 21. Your blackjack? Better take even money or she'll hit her own 21 for a useless push. This woman will wreck your bankroll in about 5 minutes, negating the past 5 hours it took you to make a meager $100 over your buy-in. The Ringer is a soulless, life-sucking punisher. No more blackjack for me. They've got the Ringer everywhere you go...doesn't matter what casino, as soon as you see her walking towards your bj table, color up and run!

Now Texas Hold 'Em, that's the game. Unless you're a pro, you're likely playing in a casino or cardroom at the low-limit tables with loose, bad players. The "loose" player will pay money to see any hand and to try and beat their 2-to-47 odds of drawing the card they need to have the nuts. They will chase and get banked quickly, only to pull more money from their pocket. I love loose players because I'm the person at the table folding so many hands, I'm barely playing. I play good hands, the type of hands that have the better probability of winning on any given day due to their strength. I have to loosen up my play and learn how to outplay my opponents, but that's a skill learned over years and much study. The best player is the loose-passive player who is basically a calling station (or ATM, as my friends call it)...they are rarely ever in control of a pot, but they'll throw money into it hoping to draw out. These players never get any respect because they're simply along for the ride, they hardly ever show power. At some point, they'll have a hand that beats you, but that's the thing...it's how you play over a poker session, not one hand. The loose-passive folks will eventually get banked and have to buy back in or push away from the table. These guys don't understand hand strengths, pot odds or the semi-bluff. They only know what they have and that they might river someone for a rare win.

Well, off to bed to read some comic books and snuggle with cats and dream about my illegal poker venture.

Oh, and another damn thing...I'm sick of the media calling the Iraq debaucle "America's War on Iraq". That's bullshit. It's the "Bush Regime War on Iraq (and damn all you non-patriotic bastards that have the brain cells to realize that all we really want is to install a puppet government and start sucking on Iraq's oil reserves so U.S. companies that illegally deal with Iraq, like Cheney's Halliburton, can do it out in the open, like public sex, not that we endorse sex and certainly not gay sex or sex education or anything progressive like that and did we mention we would really like to get to all that damn oil because gosh darn it, we've made certain promises to some rather sexless, crusty, greying old men about getting richer than they already are so they can not only further drain our earth of a finite resource, but make sure their equally sexless, crusty, dried up wives can get in their SUVs and drive to their weekly canasta games to sip white wine through cracked lips, laughing lifeless laughs, wondering where the last 40 years of their lives crept to curl up and die, living with impotent plastic husbands, but damn, our SUVs are huge and could climb up mountains and trek through virgin forests, destroying all in their wake, which is all obviously the will of our lord and savior, Jesus Christ, or whatever God we're manipulating to feed our incessant need to be right or righteous or at least convince ourselves that we won't spend eternity as Satan's ass-puppies, which we inevitably will, but just so long as we can rule on this earth and wear Prada, darling, because shouldn't we all look as fabulous as we feel, marching into Iraq and using whatever smoke-and-mirrors justification that we can because we, the people, the American people are simply, inherently, too stupid to think with anything other than our sept. 11th outrage and fear of men in turbans to pause for a second and wonder if we aren't just heading down a long road to hellfire, brimstone and soul-sucking destruction)"

I think that's a fantastic title for his war! More SUVs, please!

Once again, Phil Mickelson proves he's golf's biggest bitch. Golf's perennial loser stated that he could outdrive Tiger, you know, of Tiger Woods fame, due to Tiger's "inferior equipment."

Huh? Let's compare stats, Phil. Tiger's won 34 tournaments, you've won 12. Tiger's won 8 majors, you have a whopping zero to your name. Talk about astericks on a person's career. Everyone always says that Dan Marino is one of the greatest NFL quarterbacks, but as quick as that comment is made, someone will always follow it up with "but he never won a ring."

Tiger plays with Nike golf equipment, a rather new endeavor for Nike. Granted, their clubs aren't necessarily up to par with the companies that have been around for awhile, perfecting their technology like Titleist, TaylorMade or Callaway, but with Nike's money, brand value and brand name, I'm quite sure in about 5 years they'll improve their equipment offering.

Nike had a bit to say about Phil's comments, stating, among other things, that Tiger's drives have improved in 3 categories while Phil's have decreased since Tiger's switch to Nike. Phil's assertion that he can "fly the ball" past Tiger's are like saying "my dad can beat up your dad!" Hmmm...when's the last time the biggest bomber in the game, molarred up fat man John Daly, ever won anything worth mentioning? At least Daly has a major under his large belt.

Golf people always debate why Phil hasn't won a major. To me, the answer is quite simple: he's soft and he has poor course management skills. Anytime he loses to Tiger, he seems to merely shrug it off with his white bread pallor and personality. He has no fire and mentally, I don't think he believes he can beat Tiger on any given Sunday. Hell, most of the pros out there know in their guts that they can't beat Tiger. His course management skills absolutely suck. He takes silly risks. Everyone always says that he has the best short game in the business...well, go figure. If he'd land the green more often, maybe he wouldn't need such an excellent flop shot. And how many times do I need to cringe while watching him putt, expecting to see him fall apart and 3- or 4-putt a 2 footer? All that and flabby man-boobs to boot. Can the guy hit the gym once or twice? Or a least wear an undershirt. I don't need to see those things flapping around at Augusta.

Lefty's comments come after Mike Vanderjagt's statements about Peyton Manning and Tony Dungy being too calm with not enough fire in personality to win football games. Vanderjagt is a KICKER. He's barely a football player and probably has to refill the Gatorade cups when waiting to boot one with the uprights. Manning, arguably one of the NFL's best quarterbacks, called Vanderjagt a "idiot" whose comments were feuled by alcohol. Now, Manning is about as white bread as you can get, so that was a strong statement coming from him. I expect to see Vanderjagt looking for another job fairly soon. Waterboy.

What is it about guys who can't get it done tearing down those who can? Who in their right mind makes those comments about Tiger's equipment when Tiger is obviously the best player in golf right now and is a few years from being considered the best player to ever pick up clubs? Just a guy who, when it comes to closing the deal and winning a major, simply can't get it done. And if Tiger is using inferior clubs, what does that then say about Tiger? That this guy can simply dominate with just about anyting you put into his hands? Geez...as if any of us could just have a small fraction of that talent.

All one ever needs to do is yell "SCOREBOARD!" at Lefty to disprove anything he has to say in regards to Tiger. Eight fucking majors! Eight! That's like a QB winning 4 or 5 Superbowls. And he's what, in is late 20's? What MJ is to basketball, Tiger is to golf, no question, no doubt.

Phil, take your inferiority complex and your bitterman attitude and win a tournament that counts. And look into sporting a man-bra while you're at it, sparky.