If you work in an office, you probably have a community fridge. And if you're like me, you're often repelled by some of the stuff which passes for "oh, I must put this in the refrigerator, for one day I may possibly eat it."
Take, for example, the left-over salad. Yes, after you're done congratulating yourself on your restraint of only eating half of a salad, ponder this for a moment: is that salad going to be appetizing a mere 3 hours after you first picked at it, let alone 2 days later? How many times do I have to open the fridge, only to see some soupy mess sitting in a clear plastic container? How about three such containers? Yes, we all know you're feeling guilty about throwing food away, my salad-eating friend, but if you truly intend on actually eating that stanky glob two days later, I want you to come get me because I want to watch you eat that liquefied mess of barely identifiable vegetables and chicken chunks.
That's nasty. Just throw the damn thing away. You KNOW you're not going to eat it, so why stick that crap in the fridge, like it's some testament to how sympathetic you are to the starving kids in Dafur.
And I found this the other day: a half-drunk bottle of water. What the fuck is that? We have on campus about 50 different ways to get filtered water and icecubes. Just get a cup and drink that! Half-drunk bottle of fucking water, are you kidding me?
I love the folks that won't take responsibility for something they put in the fridge that has been in there far too long. You know the folks...they forget about the Chinese takeout left-overs they brought back from lunch 3 weeks ago. Yup, it's still in there, and due to the unwritten code of not messing with other people's shit, you can't just toss it out. And there comes a point where you really don't want to touch the container to open it, to take a peek inside and see what might just be waiting in there. Fuck that. Who knows what inter-dimensional creature has formed out of the ooze, waiting for fresh meat?
And then there are the times when you open the fridge, only to be hit with a big huge whiff of pure stank. You can't find the source, and you really don't want to spend much time poking around in there, trying to find it either. But you stand there, lunch in hand, a little grossed out about the prospect of having your food sit in there along with that stank, and you quickly trace out in your head the quickest path to the closest alternate fridge. (It should be noted that many times, that stank is the result of the salad-soup that's still sitting unabashedly in there from last week.)
People just nasty when it comes to the work fridge. It only takes a couple people to ruin it for the rest of us, and I, for one, do not appreciate it.
And what the fuck...who keeps using my International Delight creamer? There comes a point where I have to consider the fine line between protecting the shit I paid for and obsessively pondering ways to detect creamer theft and catching the creamer thief. Don't think I haven't thought about taping one side of a piece of my own hair to the creamer, and another one to the side of the fridge as a makeshift tripwire to discover an incident of theft. I thought about putting a biohazard sticker on it, but then one of the cleaning ladies would probably throw it out. Never mind the ACTUAL biohazard stewing in that salad container.
I then considered putting the following message on the bottle:
"If you're about to use this creamer but didn't actually pay for it, ask yourself: what would Bear Grylls do? If the answer isn't 'take off my underwear, pee on it and wrap it around my head,' then perhaps this creamer isn't for you."
But then the whole "Man vs. Wild is staged" controversy broke out, and I feel that using Bear Grylls as my trump card just doesn't have the punch it once had. Dude still drinks his own pee, so that
should count for something, but it's just not enough.
Which makes me consider: if I peed in my own creamer, that would really punish the creamer-stealer, as I'm pretty sure I could get over drinking my own pee (after all, Bear Grylls does it, and he's still alive, am I right?), but the secret knowledge that someone else is drinking my waste water would be simply diabolical. And I have tasted Diet Coke, so I can't imagine one's own pee is much worse.
All of that to say: clean your nasty shit out of the fridge and quit fucking using my creamer!
